I'm still lost as of this date.  Lost as in I do not know what to think about and what to feel.  I do not know...I do not know...I do not know what to do.  Sometimes I just wake up and lie in bed for 30 minutes staring into space.  Never done that before.  You might think I have nothing to look forward to, I do.  Actually, I do know what to do but they are given such as school, work, and staying home.  I feel like singing that line from Disney's Beauty and the Beast while running up the mountain with the wind against me like the scene in The Sound of Music..."I want adventure in the this great white somewhere...I want it more than I can bear...And for once it might be grand to have someone understand...I want more then they've got planned..."  I think I am just taking my life for granted.  Maybe what I am searching for, I already have.  Maybe I need to find a new and different paradigm of the world...of myself.  That would take a lot of time and effort.  With my impatient self...I do not know how I could handle.  I should start with NOT being impatient, huh?  OK, so oxy. 

I cannot wait for summer school.  I am finally taking English at KCC.  UH is too expensive to take summer school at.  I took it there one summer for BusLaw - You could save over $100.  I will save my money for business summer school courses.  But anywho, I regret not going to the community colleges first before the university.  Do you know how much money you can save?  Tons!!!  I look back now and realize that the whole "I've got to go to a university" aspect was nothing more than "What would people think if I don't go to a university?"  What is over is done with.  Move one, Daph. 

The list of things to do that I developed a year ago is meaningless now.  What partly drove it was more of what I want my parents, friends, and other people to think of who I am and what I will become.  How can I create a list that 100% of me drive?  I need to start a new list with new paradigms in mind.  I realized that the times I tried to keep my mind from thinking too much, I lost part of the soul searching that kept myself aligned with my integrity.  Maybe that is why I am feeling lost.  I do not take sufficient time to analyze things as much as before because I had to quiet the mind that was driving me crazy.  Too much thinking is no good.  Little thinking/analyzing is no good for me either.  I no longer feel that what I'm doing is what I really want to do.  School - I like going and I need it.  Work - I like going and I enjoy the opportunities it opened and will open.  But you know what, this is my struggle.  I must overcome it.  Even if it takes awhile.  Shucks.      Hehe...

I'm so horrified and deeply sorry for Laci Peterson, her unborn child, and her family.  A long long time ago, there were gruesome and horrifying murders that were happening in a village or town  The citizens of the town had difficulty believing that a human could do such a thing.  The crimes were too heinous and too, blatantly said, "gross".  Thus, the crimes could only be done by a monster...a werewolf.  This is a vague story that chronicles the existence of the werewolf.  Whomever murdered Laci Peterson and her child deserves to be brutally punished by the court of law.  My mom is going around the house saying that you can never trust a guy, let alone your husband, these days.  There's some truth to that.
-------------------------------------------------
I finally went back to the gym!  Woopy, hooray for ME!  Whatever...My feet hurts, my back hurts, my arms hurt.  But oh well, my massage therapy is due at 12:00 p.m. today so I'd be a-okay.  Tonight is kickboxing...I haven't gone for a month so there goes the results of the massage therapy.  I don't even like massages.  I'm too ticklish and too "Don't enter my zone" kind of person...Anywho, gotta jet - almost 12:00 p.m.

I had time last night before I went to sleep so I revamped my site.  It looks too girly girl, but oh well.  I'm probably going to change it often cause I like to design and stuff.  Right now, I'm getting ready to go to Starbucks and study.  Harry Potter's on HBO again.  Man, I keep watching it whenever its on.  There's something innocent about the movie.  It's so carefree.  Magic, fantasy, Oliver Wood.  Hehe!!! 

Thanks Mari for the reminder.  Actually Lu owes me $10.00 for the update not $2.00.  That's 3 days of parking at the structure and $0.99 for a chicken burger at Jacks.  (I'll catch the tax.)  Nah, just jokes Lu... You don't have to.  Anywho, gotta jet!

I feel lost...empty...dazed and delirious.  There was a string of "bad luck" that happened to and around me these past two months.  I want it to stop!  I can not let the occurrences bring my spirits down.  I am tired of indulging in self-pity.  Been there, done that, do not like being in that rut.  An alternative way would be a reflection of both self and the external world.  But I tried to stop myself from thinking too much.  I must quiet the mind or I might just crack.  Anyway, my decision is to go to church.  I have always felt something special within the sacred walls.  From the time I entered and left, I felt like crying.  I did not know why.  Maricar said that it was the feeling of forgiveness from God and being healed. 

Music - I need new music.  I have to buy the new Linkin Park CD.  Thanks Lu for the FYI.  Juju – Jo Han became buffer!

I am craving something unknown.  I want to do so many things, but I need to feel it in my gut to know whether I should pursue whatever those things are...Even if I am afraid, I need to feel it.  Maybe my subconscious is kicking in.  Within the past 21 years of my being, I have been neglecting something.  That something is what I do not know.  Dammit!  I need to consult a psychic.

Superficial banter can be so tiring to listen to.  I tried to search for understanding rather than judging the person off the bat.  But these people that I hung out with were too shallow to even comprehend compassion.  As they continually tease and ridicule the people around them, I look at them with disgust and offered a more positive insight.  From then on, I have difficulty seeing them as colleagues, rather, I see them as ignorant, untrusting, beings.